Looking back at the last 7 years...

As I pack my things about to graduate from college I have found a lot of things left over from camp that have brought memories flooding back. Even yesterday I reconnected with one of my favorite people who I met there many years ago, who is now married to another "once was" counselor, and who both live in Tennessee. Camp is a strangely beautiful place where campers come learn to love god and then after a week go back into the world some to follow after jesus but most do not. It's a place where many kids from broken families cry out because they want something more and they find they are not the only ones. But even more interesting to me is the other side of camp, the counselor aspect. You meet people here that you will never forget, people that stick with you for life. People that will be there for you. I look back and my only regret is that I had not started staying in touch with people during the winter months until a few years ago when I got tired of saving my weekends for a boy that I knew wasn't the one for me. I broke out and meet some of the most amazing people of my life.

Sadly I look back and I also wonder why I hadn't done this before. It's the story of my life. I was always somewhat cold when it came to making deeper friendships with people. I wanted so much to have close friends but I was so afraid that they would expect me to invite them home and then what?....they would see how my life was messed up...they would see the things I went through growing up and they would leave.

A few years ago this friend who now lives in Tennessee found out, not because I wanted her too, but because she drive me home. She learned of the kind of situation I was going through and ever since then I have lived in freedom from the things I felt have weighed me down. I thank god for that day. It was so hard because I wasn't ready to have people know but after that day I have been able to freely admit my troubles and I have also been able to keep important people in my life close.

One of those people people is Tim. I've been dating Tim for 1 year and 2 months today. I have never been happier in a relationship with someone and I think the best part about it is that we were friend for 6 in a half years before we dated. I have always had a soft spot for him and always thought of his as one of my best friends at camp. I kept saying to myself after we started dating, "He only lived about 6 or 7 minutes driving distance from me when we were in high school...why didn't we ever hang out?"

I wish I could go back I wish I could change things. I wish I could

go back and be happier. I wish I could have learned about more of the people who counse

led with me. If I have a story they must have one too. Every once in awhile I stumble upon the facebook page of a person I knew from camp a long time ago. Usually they are married, some live out in some random state or in another country and I ask myself how they ended up there. But of all the things I wish I know I can't go back. I know that I can only get to know the people now in my life. But I've found it hard. Most people aren't willing to let you get to know them. One of the things I have talked about with Tim and others, is people's unwillingness to let you know things about themselves. Sure they'll talk to you in the now but you ask them how their doing and they mostly give one word answers. I want to know what's makes things good, or bad, or so-so, or anything!

This is one of the reasons I can say that I have only made a few really good friends at camp, because just like the campers, the counselors come and go and after that...only god knows.

Hello life

I find my days are getting easier and I've learned a great deal about stress. I've been reflecting on all god has given me in the past few months. I think he's strengthened me as well as guided me into becoming even more of a woman of God. I had a great deal of stress with this term as I got into the midst of it. It's my senior year and I had misperceived the amount of credits I needed to graduate and ended up taking more then I could probably chew. But I know that deep inside God knew that I would have to rely on him. You know that feeling when you pray to give up all your load to god but somehow you still hold onto it? Yeah...that was me. Not saying that this won't be me in the future. I told God I wanted to be free...and If I couldn't feel it then I needed him to teach me how. I learned a few things after this. I had a friend tell me that she used to deal with the same thing. She said to fix this she learned to pray before she would do her homework or study. She prayed to stay focused and that she would get what she needed to done and remember all she had learned. I thought...wow....why have I never thought of this. Another things I learned, and what Tim has been saying to me for some time now, that I need to take breaks to stay sane. I agree! I am glad to say that these past few weeks I have been doing a lot better in this area. I even learned that two projects I thought were due next week are actually due in two weeks. I am actually ahead!

Something that has also been on my mind as of late is my life in general and where it is going. I know what I want but I through much prayer i have decided the best thing for me is to take a year off. I plan to get a job, volunteer in a high school, and spend time with Tim. It seems to be getting harder and harder to say bye to him when he goes back to portland after visiting me. We also aren't exactly sure where he is going to end up after he graduates. He wants to be a camp director and we are both praying that it will be near where ever I am, whether that's in graduate school, which I plan to go to after my year is up, or whether I'm still in Eugene. There are a lot of things up in the air right now. I know for certain I am moving in with my dad at the end of the school year, but I am not sure for how long I will stay their because I might get a roommate so my brother can move back in. Things are a little bit crazy. So far I've been pretty calm and know that God will work everything out for the better. Lately thought its been getting harder to be as confident as i keep trying to take hold of my life, which I seem to forget sometimes that God should always be in control. I just want so badly to be done with school and to be where Tim is, since we have spent the majority of our relationship away from each other. But hey! We are almost to 11 months! YAY! It's just hard because of those 11 the longest time we have been in the same city was only 4 weeks for winter break, one of which I was went back to school. I miss him, that's pretty much the bottom line.

The good news is that I will be having the easiest term of my life next term because I only need 14 more credits and I can take whatever I want. Needless to say I will be taking dance and PE classes. I will be graduating in june about a month after Tim does and hopefully by then he will have a job.

"Life is like a Box of Chocolates...

...You never know what you're going to get," or rather a box of chex mix because most boxes of chocolates make me sick...lol. This quote from Forrest Gump has to be one of my favorites because it describes my summer almost perfectly. Some moments are ones you want to savor forever and others a most certainly ones you wish would end and then there are the ones you feel indifferent about. 

I had the privilege of working at camp again this summer but my role was a little different then in previous summers. I was asked to be on the leadership team this summer in the role of Program along with one other person. Program is dealing with all of the skits for campfire and the running skits for the different weeks. It was a blast and I had so much fun doing it. I could tell from the beginning though that it was going to be a difficult job. When all you want is for everything to go perfect it's hard to settle for anything less. I became so worried about all the little things that needed to make the skit go right that I would get super stressed out and it was hard for me to not let it show. No one told me about this problem I had, they didn't have to. I was well aware of it and tried very hard every campfire to ask God for his help in the matter and let him to the rest. I guess it's just something I have to work on, and for sure have to let go of. But this was just one of many things that happened this summer.

Looking back I have mixed feeling about my living situation. I love the other nine girls I lived with but It was definitely hard as well. When you live in a small room with that many other girls there are bound to be moments where you wish you could just get away. I found it hard to please everybody. When I look at it from afar I think about how there are so many different personalities and so many different view points and so many different backgrounds it's hard to see why there weren't more disagreements. We are given a situation in which we are living together for three months and we don't know each other's stories; what we've been through and what we've experienced. We don't know what runs through our minds or how far we can be pushed. We learn about each other but at the same time we never fully learn about each other. It's an interesting thing to be a part of but the one thing you realize is how much you miss them once their gone back tot he life they came from.    

One thing that I feel like is going exactly where it should be going is the relationship I have with Tim. It's one that most certainly came out of no where and one that most certainly I feel has God's hand in it. All he has to do is just be himself and it's everything I ever wanted in a guy. I think one of the things that makes this relationship work is how he listens to me when I talk to him about things I'm going through and how he realizes he can't take on my burdens for me. One of the things I've noticed in the guys I've dated is the princess prince scenario. If the girl has a problem the guy dresses up as the prince in shinning armor and comes to rescue her from a big tower surrounded by fire an even bigger dragon. Unfortunately because we are human we will always have problems that arise and it is left up to him to decide how long he wants to play the charming prince. Tim makes me feel good because he realizes that the only shinning prince i need can ever have is Jesus. He realizes that the things I need come from him and he is ever so willing to point me towards God every time. I could never thank him enough for doing that. And he makes sure our relationship os rooted in God by praying with me and reading the bible with me. I've never felt so good about someone in my hole life and I thank God constantly for bringing him into my life. 

When I look back at my summer I think about the things I have learned and what my experiences have done for me. I feel quite a bit more social, after coming out of the shell I hid so long under. I miss all the beautifully crazy people I got to spend my summer with on the leadership team, and I feel life is moving forward as I sit here in my bedroom and tell you about it like Forrest at his buss stop told all these strangers what had happened. I wish I could go more into detail but I guess I'll have to save that for another time.   

So I just came up with the coolest analogy between what I was reading in the bible today and my all time favorite movie, "Pirates of the Carribean,"...you know the first one. Pirates of the Caribbean, the first one at least, falls under my definition of all that a movie should be! It has sword fights, chase scenes, explosions, and above all else a love story between non other then William Turner and ELizabeth Swan, and who doesn't love the incredibly brilliant, or not so brilliant, Jack sparrow who "says" he is always one step ahead of the rest. But what does any of this have to do with the bible you might ask? well I'll tell ya matey as long as your in for a good ghost story on a foggy night. 

Ok So I was reading Romans chapter 6 which talks about in verse 16 how what we choose to obey becomes our master. If we choose sin we will surely die, but if we choose God to become our master we will receive his approval which means we will receive enteral life with him. 

"Don't you realize that whatever you choose to obey becomes your master? You can choose sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God and receive his approval." Romans 6:16.

I don't know about you but for me this is a powerful statement. I can choose to let my own sinful desires rule over my life or I can choose God who fills me to the brim with Joy and eternal life.

So how does this fit into pirates of the Caribbean, well it reminds me of a line that Barbosa, Captain of the Black Pearl, said to Elizabeth Swan when she responded to him that she hardly believed in ghost stories anymore. Barbossa said: 

Aye! That's what I thought when we were first told the tale. 'Buried on an island of dead that cannot be found, save for those who already know where it is'. Find it we did. There be the chest; inside be the gold; and we took 'em all. We spent them, and traded them, and fretted them away on drink and food and pleasurable company. But the more we gave 'em away, the more we came to realize, the drink would not satisfy food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slague our lust. We are cursed men Miss Turner. Compelled by greed we were, but now, we are consumed by it."

-Captain Barbossa. 

You see, Barbossa learned through his curse what many of us fail to see and some of us never do, that all the sinful desires of our hear can never fully satisfy. We don't have to been cursed pirates to understand that. We keep trying over and over again to fill up that emptiness inside that will, "not satisfy." Not only are they not satisfied but when the moonlight shines on them in the darkness they surround themselves in, they are revealed for who they really are, the undead. We are living but we are dead to the lie that God promises is forever. Life that is fulfilling and holy, meant for us and made by him. And when we follow the desires of our hearts we will live on forever dead, death meaning separation from God.    

the certainty of not knowing....

So I must admit that I am doing considerably better then my last post. I was in a state if anger and frustration....now I am just sad.....not sad in general but saddened that anyone could treat another human being the way I was treated. Even If I saw another person treat a friend like that I would be sad. One day this last week I opened my bible and read psalm 37 which told me exactly what I needed to hear. I need to stop caring about the wickedness I see in other people's hearts and give it up to God. End of story.....no if's, and's, or but's about it. It's done and over with and I cannot controll the behavior of another. I've let him know that treating me this way is unacceptable and he has proceeded to ignore me so I'm over and out. 

Maybe this is strange but I keep thinking about how if we were all up in heaven right now, would his behavior towards me be the same? I'm thinking no. It also make me think about my actions. I was reading 1john and over and over again it says how our actions are a reflection of where our hearts are at. It's made me stop and think about my actions a long with the actions of others. I began to think about people who I hold in high regards to in my life.....if there actions are not those of someone who claims to be high and mighty.....then maybe I shouldn't hold them as high and mighty anymore. After all God says we are all sinners right? I need to make sure that my actions are what I say I believe, because if there not then I know my actions are coming from the heart, which apparently can get you into so major trouble when it comes to selfishness. 

I just thought I would update anyone who is reading this on my life as of late. Things are going really good, except I'm pretty sure I'm sick and I'm hoping it's not strep, sense It's going around and I have not had it sense I was 7. I'm trying to hang out with friends more because this term shouldn't be as crazy as last term, and I'm trying to rekindle friendships with people who really inspire me to be just me. No offense to anyone but I really did feel that a few people I hung out with at the beginning of this year put a lot of pressure on me to be someone I wasn't. I wasn't about to change so I became a lot quieter. So I've been embracing the deep meaningful friendships that I had with people once before but also making new friends.....there might also be a new interest in my life ;) but I'm waiting on God to show me if that's a path he wants me to take or not. We'll just have to wait and see. I'm not the kind of girl that goes looking for relationships but if the opportunity presents its self then I would love to, even if only for a moment in time, share my life with someone else. I like having someone there to laugh with but also have deep conversations with. Of coarse there are other things I look for in a guy as well but I surely won't reveal all of them on the vast depths of the internet. today I thought of a silly facebook pick up line, "If there was an I like button for you....I would push it," and highly considered posting it on a certain someone's wall, but instead my shy girl side kicked in and decided to post in on my friend Ali's wall because I knew it would make her laugh....it did. :) 

I've also discovered, well actually someone showed me, a new feature on my camera where it picks up one color and everything else is in black and white. I took some sweet pictures when I was working at Spring Break camp at the summer camp I usually work at. I also used it on my friend alexa and I's modle shoot in the park.....I want to show you. enjoy.

Learning Moments of Love and heartbreak...

Today has most certainly been a day to reflect. My mind is crowed with so many buzzing thoughts that I'm surprised my brain doesn't just burst into a million tiny pieces or melt right out my ears. What exactly am I thinking about these days, well not to go into all the hairy details, especially since I may very well not know you, but quite  recently I've had my heart broken. It's hard enough having someone tell you that they don't love you anymore, it's even harder when love is the very thing that you've waited patiently for just to feel that maybe love doesn't....love me anymore. Sounds pretty depressing huh? 

Usually I fight for love. I tell myself and I tell those around me that love will set you free, but most often I'm usually referring to the love that God offers to us at no cost. However I've always been a stronger believer that somewhere out there, waiting almost just a patiently as me, is a guy who will be exactly what I've always dreamed of, and most defiantly more. I figure, God put this desire in my heart and he will be faithful to bring me the, quote unquote, "One." Unfortunately for me I'm loosing faith these days, and I'm not afraid to admit it. If all I've ever done is love somebody and show them how much I love them, no matter what always try to work things out, even if it took time for me to muster up the courage, then why couldn't he do the same for me?

 I was completely oblivious that anything was wrong, spending my days waiting for him to finally leave the big city and come home. Everything seemed perfect because I felt like we could tell each other anything, but I know now I was sorely mistaken. He was Harboring feelings of discontent and not openly talking to me about why. Eventually it became to much and he had to end it telling me that he had no feelings for me romantically anymore. It's the kind of thing you never expect to hear one say to you and surely are never prepared to hear, especially when you think everything was going fine. He hadn't said anything for fear it would hurt my feelings, but I feel the damage was done far worse the longer time went on and the feelings he had were brewing inside of him. Of course it made me sad, and angry. I was mad at him and I was mad at myself. I told myself that it was all my fault. I said, "People break up with other people because there is something wrong with them, so surely there is something wrong with me." Then I was like, "No, I loved him with everything I possibly could, so what did I do wrong that he did not tell me?" But that's just it, he didn't tell me.

I can't read minds, just in case you were wondering, so how was I supposed to know my faults were to hard on him? And if he can't tell me these things, if he fails to communicate, then surely he is not the one I am looking for, even though for a year and some odd months I might have thought otherwise. I'm tired of giving everything I have only to get nothing in return. I give so much of my time and energy that when I realize that it's not going to work, I feel so sick inside that I actually gave my everything, that I was vulnerable and that something that I thought was so great turned out to be naught but just my imagination. I'm so tired of giving my all; I'm so tired of being tired. I know that I have flaws, and God has been faithful to help me work through them, but it feels impossible to think or even believe that one day there will be a guy who loves me no matter what my flaws are. I was able to love someone despite their flaws, and I was willing to work with him on them, even though he believes he has way more than he does. I need a guy who can be everything upon everything that I've ever wanted, but on top of that he needs to be a guy who is able to tell me everything, even when it hurts, because that's a guy worth respecting. And in the end, if it's meant to be, God will find a way to work things out.