Learning Moments of Love and heartbreak...

Today has most certainly been a day to reflect. My mind is crowed with so many buzzing thoughts that I'm surprised my brain doesn't just burst into a million tiny pieces or melt right out my ears. What exactly am I thinking about these days, well not to go into all the hairy details, especially since I may very well not know you, but quite  recently I've had my heart broken. It's hard enough having someone tell you that they don't love you anymore, it's even harder when love is the very thing that you've waited patiently for just to feel that maybe love doesn't....love me anymore. Sounds pretty depressing huh? 

Usually I fight for love. I tell myself and I tell those around me that love will set you free, but most often I'm usually referring to the love that God offers to us at no cost. However I've always been a stronger believer that somewhere out there, waiting almost just a patiently as me, is a guy who will be exactly what I've always dreamed of, and most defiantly more. I figure, God put this desire in my heart and he will be faithful to bring me the, quote unquote, "One." Unfortunately for me I'm loosing faith these days, and I'm not afraid to admit it. If all I've ever done is love somebody and show them how much I love them, no matter what always try to work things out, even if it took time for me to muster up the courage, then why couldn't he do the same for me?

 I was completely oblivious that anything was wrong, spending my days waiting for him to finally leave the big city and come home. Everything seemed perfect because I felt like we could tell each other anything, but I know now I was sorely mistaken. He was Harboring feelings of discontent and not openly talking to me about why. Eventually it became to much and he had to end it telling me that he had no feelings for me romantically anymore. It's the kind of thing you never expect to hear one say to you and surely are never prepared to hear, especially when you think everything was going fine. He hadn't said anything for fear it would hurt my feelings, but I feel the damage was done far worse the longer time went on and the feelings he had were brewing inside of him. Of course it made me sad, and angry. I was mad at him and I was mad at myself. I told myself that it was all my fault. I said, "People break up with other people because there is something wrong with them, so surely there is something wrong with me." Then I was like, "No, I loved him with everything I possibly could, so what did I do wrong that he did not tell me?" But that's just it, he didn't tell me.

I can't read minds, just in case you were wondering, so how was I supposed to know my faults were to hard on him? And if he can't tell me these things, if he fails to communicate, then surely he is not the one I am looking for, even though for a year and some odd months I might have thought otherwise. I'm tired of giving everything I have only to get nothing in return. I give so much of my time and energy that when I realize that it's not going to work, I feel so sick inside that I actually gave my everything, that I was vulnerable and that something that I thought was so great turned out to be naught but just my imagination. I'm so tired of giving my all; I'm so tired of being tired. I know that I have flaws, and God has been faithful to help me work through them, but it feels impossible to think or even believe that one day there will be a guy who loves me no matter what my flaws are. I was able to love someone despite their flaws, and I was willing to work with him on them, even though he believes he has way more than he does. I need a guy who can be everything upon everything that I've ever wanted, but on top of that he needs to be a guy who is able to tell me everything, even when it hurts, because that's a guy worth respecting. And in the end, if it's meant to be, God will find a way to work things out.