Looking back at the last 7 years...

As I pack my things about to graduate from college I have found a lot of things left over from camp that have brought memories flooding back. Even yesterday I reconnected with one of my favorite people who I met there many years ago, who is now married to another "once was" counselor, and who both live in Tennessee. Camp is a strangely beautiful place where campers come learn to love god and then after a week go back into the world some to follow after jesus but most do not. It's a place where many kids from broken families cry out because they want something more and they find they are not the only ones. But even more interesting to me is the other side of camp, the counselor aspect. You meet people here that you will never forget, people that stick with you for life. People that will be there for you. I look back and my only regret is that I had not started staying in touch with people during the winter months until a few years ago when I got tired of saving my weekends for a boy that I knew wasn't the one for me. I broke out and meet some of the most amazing people of my life.

Sadly I look back and I also wonder why I hadn't done this before. It's the story of my life. I was always somewhat cold when it came to making deeper friendships with people. I wanted so much to have close friends but I was so afraid that they would expect me to invite them home and then what?....they would see how my life was messed up...they would see the things I went through growing up and they would leave.

A few years ago this friend who now lives in Tennessee found out, not because I wanted her too, but because she drive me home. She learned of the kind of situation I was going through and ever since then I have lived in freedom from the things I felt have weighed me down. I thank god for that day. It was so hard because I wasn't ready to have people know but after that day I have been able to freely admit my troubles and I have also been able to keep important people in my life close.

One of those people people is Tim. I've been dating Tim for 1 year and 2 months today. I have never been happier in a relationship with someone and I think the best part about it is that we were friend for 6 in a half years before we dated. I have always had a soft spot for him and always thought of his as one of my best friends at camp. I kept saying to myself after we started dating, "He only lived about 6 or 7 minutes driving distance from me when we were in high school...why didn't we ever hang out?"

I wish I could go back I wish I could change things. I wish I could

go back and be happier. I wish I could have learned about more of the people who counse

led with me. If I have a story they must have one too. Every once in awhile I stumble upon the facebook page of a person I knew from camp a long time ago. Usually they are married, some live out in some random state or in another country and I ask myself how they ended up there. But of all the things I wish I know I can't go back. I know that I can only get to know the people now in my life. But I've found it hard. Most people aren't willing to let you get to know them. One of the things I have talked about with Tim and others, is people's unwillingness to let you know things about themselves. Sure they'll talk to you in the now but you ask them how their doing and they mostly give one word answers. I want to know what's makes things good, or bad, or so-so, or anything!

This is one of the reasons I can say that I have only made a few really good friends at camp, because just like the campers, the counselors come and go and after that...only god knows.

Hello life

I find my days are getting easier and I've learned a great deal about stress. I've been reflecting on all god has given me in the past few months. I think he's strengthened me as well as guided me into becoming even more of a woman of God. I had a great deal of stress with this term as I got into the midst of it. It's my senior year and I had misperceived the amount of credits I needed to graduate and ended up taking more then I could probably chew. But I know that deep inside God knew that I would have to rely on him. You know that feeling when you pray to give up all your load to god but somehow you still hold onto it? Yeah...that was me. Not saying that this won't be me in the future. I told God I wanted to be free...and If I couldn't feel it then I needed him to teach me how. I learned a few things after this. I had a friend tell me that she used to deal with the same thing. She said to fix this she learned to pray before she would do her homework or study. She prayed to stay focused and that she would get what she needed to done and remember all she had learned. I thought...wow....why have I never thought of this. Another things I learned, and what Tim has been saying to me for some time now, that I need to take breaks to stay sane. I agree! I am glad to say that these past few weeks I have been doing a lot better in this area. I even learned that two projects I thought were due next week are actually due in two weeks. I am actually ahead!

Something that has also been on my mind as of late is my life in general and where it is going. I know what I want but I through much prayer i have decided the best thing for me is to take a year off. I plan to get a job, volunteer in a high school, and spend time with Tim. It seems to be getting harder and harder to say bye to him when he goes back to portland after visiting me. We also aren't exactly sure where he is going to end up after he graduates. He wants to be a camp director and we are both praying that it will be near where ever I am, whether that's in graduate school, which I plan to go to after my year is up, or whether I'm still in Eugene. There are a lot of things up in the air right now. I know for certain I am moving in with my dad at the end of the school year, but I am not sure for how long I will stay their because I might get a roommate so my brother can move back in. Things are a little bit crazy. So far I've been pretty calm and know that God will work everything out for the better. Lately thought its been getting harder to be as confident as i keep trying to take hold of my life, which I seem to forget sometimes that God should always be in control. I just want so badly to be done with school and to be where Tim is, since we have spent the majority of our relationship away from each other. But hey! We are almost to 11 months! YAY! It's just hard because of those 11 the longest time we have been in the same city was only 4 weeks for winter break, one of which I was went back to school. I miss him, that's pretty much the bottom line.

The good news is that I will be having the easiest term of my life next term because I only need 14 more credits and I can take whatever I want. Needless to say I will be taking dance and PE classes. I will be graduating in june about a month after Tim does and hopefully by then he will have a job.